Wednesday, August 6, 2008

truth-telling, secret-keeping

For the longest time, the T has been an endless reservoir of things I could not tell the neighbours. She keeps secrets better than most people we know, except perhaps the dead, and those in the profession of keeping secrets. The T is my way out of madness. The T and all my friends.
Or has been.

I will make my first-ever appointment with a psychologist some time today.
Friends I've told have asked if I'm sure of this decision, and I wonder about it myself. I feel as one might feel who can no longer say, "I never stole.", "I never lied.", "I never cheated.". I feel as someone might who has by a single action crossed an invisible line into being a lesser person. I feel as though I've let myself down; I don't like that feeling. Part of me is afraid of being judged, I think: as though the admission that there are things that bother me that are beyond my control makes me less worthy than I was the instant before I admitted to it. And that is odd, because I have never had a problem with admitting to anything before...

I wonder what the difference is between someone who talks to friends about their issues and someone who pays to talk to a stranger about it. I wonder now, but I won't wonder for very much longer. In all my little life not one of the million events that put me into bed crying ever made me seriously consider therapy as a solution. Not one.
But now I do.
This amuses and terrifies me.

I could talk to friends again. I could call my friends and say, I need you. Please help me. and they would come. I did it, and they came. I couldn't do that now, though. I can't do that again. This is too big, and too painful, and has been festering for far too long for a single two-hour crying-jag over coffee to fix, as much as I wish it could.
Isn't it odd how one single solitary situation has affected everything else about my life?

I could validate this decision. I could break it down into constituent reasons and discover it makes perfect sense.
The simple truth is this, though. I have talked to everybody, and nobody made the pain go away. I tried very hard to will it, push it, pretend it away - to talk, pray, cry, meditate, exercise, work it away - and I failed. And it didn't go away. Well, a person who doesn't know her limitations is a fool.
At some point to solve a problem one must call in a professional.
Preferably before the house falls down.

1 comment:

Sudhang said...

Don't look down upon it like it is an admission of some major folly. Meeting a psychologist doesn't make you a lesser person. It only means that you're willing to try to handle your problems, and are not ashamed to ask for some assistance.

I wonder what the difference is between someone who talks to friends about their issues and someone who pays to talk to a stranger about it.
The difference is only that the "stranger" will be trying to get to the root of your problems (whatever they may be) and will be helping you get back on your feet. Friends are different. They're great when you only need a sympathetic ear or some disparate pieces of advice. A psychiatrist is more of a helper.

I think it is a positive step and you need not feel upset or embarrassed about it. Certainly, there will be people who'll be shocked and well-wishers who will advise against it. But you know that help is needed, and certainly won't harm you.

It's a very good step, and will definitely help you, I'm sure. It sure helped me a great deal!

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