Last night I got drunk for the first time in my life. That's twenty-five years, five months and twenty days that I have spent drinking no more than 20ml of alcohol at any one time.
***
After being interrupted by a welcome but unexpected visit from the cousin, with interesting conversations and controversial topics; followed by thinking a lot about the so-called bad habits (drinking smoking drugs sex) that girls like me are not supposed to indulge in but do; I am angry all over again.
Why is it that innocents who have nothing but their virtue lose it the first time someone comes by and says he loves them? I feel so stupid. and used. and angry.
I don't want to feel angry. I want to be able to pretend it was not important. that it was a learning experience. That the disgust and fear and shame and willingness to please that forced me into a situation I didn't want to be in (should I spell it out? I cannot. I cannot.) don't make me less of a person.
Chastity was given a bad name and hung and I did nothing to stop it because I wanted so much to feel important.
I hate myself for my weakness. I hate the other for his blindness, his inability to respect my discomfort, his unkindness and apathy. I hate him. I hate him. I want him to hurt, and I don't know how to achieve that.
This cause me so much pain. I cannot say.
P.S. longer happier post soon. who the fuck cares anyway? not you accidental reader. move along. nothing to see here. these are not the droids you're looking for.
No comments:
Post a Comment