realizations

Last night I got drunk for the first time in my life. That's twenty-five years, five months and twenty days that I have spent drinking no more than 20ml of alcohol at any one time.

***

After being interrupted by a welcome but unexpected visit from the cousin, with interesting conversations and controversial topics; followed by thinking a lot about the so-called bad habits (drinking smoking drugs sex) that girls like me are not supposed to indulge in but do; I am angry all over again.

Why is it that innocents who have nothing but their virtue lose it the first time someone comes by and says he loves them? I feel so stupid. and used. and angry.

I don't want to feel angry. I want to be able to pretend it was not important. that it was a learning experience. That the disgust and fear and shame and willingness to please that forced me into a situation I didn't want to be in (should I spell it out? I cannot. I cannot.) don't make me less of a person.

Chastity was given a bad name and hung and I did nothing to stop it because I wanted so much to feel important.

I hate myself for my weakness. I hate the other for his blindness, his inability to respect my discomfort, his unkindness and apathy. I hate him. I hate him. I want him to hurt, and I don't know how to achieve that.

This cause me so much pain. I cannot say.

P.S. longer happier post soon. who the fuck cares anyway? not you accidental reader. move along. nothing to see here. these are not the droids you're looking for.