Friday, July 25, 2008

a good conversation

I fell asleep on the couch in the office yesterday. Shhh...don't tell the boss. And when I woke up I went back and read old blog posts that were so happy I barely recognized them - until I went back and read the conversations they referred to...

I've always been the kind of person who remembers things. Not necessarily to hold grudges (I don't like the concept of them; they are so cruel and pointless) but only because moments that you remember define a lot more about you than you might realize.
I realized yesterday that it was a good conversation. I also realized that someone I thought a great deal of wasn't exactly all that great. Or kind, or considerate. On the contrary, and here's a list - hypocrite, immature, evasive, selfish, inconsiderate, cruel, coward.
It makes one feel a fool to always think so highly of people only to be let down. Oh, I realize that people aren't perfect, I do. I'm as imperfect as they come. It's just that one likes to believe that people want to change, or want to believe, or want to be better, always.

There was this boy who held a piece of my heart for the better part of two years. I can't call him a boy, I suppose, but as much as I'm willing to talk about him to friends, the blog feels off-limits, somehow. So this boy, he suddenly figured out that what I felt was something larger than platonic, and then he pulled the dirtiest card of all - "I know better than you, because I'm older and wiser and it makes more sense that way."
Dear me, and we all know how that turned out: I really have not the self-confidence required to combat claims of that kind. And now, after months of abject misery and the bathroom scene of episode 105 of Gilmore Girls, I'm finally ready to be the adult in the situation and let things go.

Oddly enough, I don't think it will be as hard as it sounds. This makes me sad.


duende said...

happy thoughts. the tap seems to have run dry here. surely, it can't all be that bad?

tangled said...

worse, actually. it is apparently harder than i thought.

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